Satire

Bernie Sanders Calls For Universal Charmin Ultra Soft*

Bernie Sanders

Standing before a crowd of over 20,000 assembled at Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn, NY, Bernie Sanders called for universal access to Charmin Ultra Soft bath tissue.

“It is despicable that the top 1% are wiping their bums with three-ply toilet tissue while children in schools nationwide are making do with just one ply,” he said.

“To make matters worse, over 85% of toilet paper dispensers in our nation’s schools only allow you to pull one or two sheets at a time. If you pull slowly enough you might be able to get four or even five sheets, but that doesn’t make up for the damage that single ply is doing to the rectums of our children.”

Sanders’ campaign maintains that he was the first major candidate to take a stand on the issue, though Hillary Clinton has reportedly released a statement claiming that she has been in support of similar legislation since giving two paid speeches to Proctor & Gamble shareholders in 2008.

According to the Center for Responsible Housekeeping, the risks of using single ply toilet paper include irritation, redness, bleeding, and the occasional splinter from bargain brands. Ronin Abernathy, a leading researcher from Yale University, says that poor student performance in math and science can be explained by scratchy toilet paper, which leads to decreased motivation and other symptoms such as restlessness, fidgeting, and trouble concentrating on anything other than their burning assholes.

A study by the National Institutes of Health posits that up to 75% of childhood Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) patients are misdiagnosed cases of Inflammatory Tuchus Syndrome, though more research is needed.

Sanders continued,

“Some of these children do not have the luxury of wiping whenever they please; for many, school is their only opportunity to wipe each day.”

“The wealthy children go home to plush rolls of forgiving tissue that gently caress their entitled anuses. And when one roll runs out, there are usually at least 5 or 6 more within arm’s reach. By contrast, our poorest citizens are lucky if their local gas station still lets them use the facilities without making a purchase.”

“I speak for all Americans when I say that taking care of business in a public restroom should not immediately necessitate a visit to Urgent Care.”

– Bernie Sanders

He added, “In solidarity, I have opted for an especially punishing variety of Georgia Pacific toilet paper that my staff and I will be using on the campaign trail. I will not rest until every American, whether they have regular bowel movements or unpredictable shitstorms, is comfortable on the commode.”

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