It should be no surprise to any of you that The Sexy Politico, a global leader in online news publishing, has turned to me to fill the position of Interim Editor.
Let’s start with my qualifications.
Now on to more important matters. This publication has served to bridge the gap between bigoted nutjob conservatives and idealistic nutjob liberals. Under the guise of a purple color scheme, TSP claims to eschew partisan loyalties in exchange for an open dialogue. Opinions on both sides are equally valued, even if we can’t find someone willing to sing praises about Donald Trump or voter suppression laws.
Before I came along, things were certainly on the up. Subscribers were on the rise, user engagement reached an all time high, and our authors were happily sipping champagne and gallivanting around the newsroom floor.
But things are different now. I’m a serious man with serious goals.
First, The Sexy Politico will debut a satire section devoted to making light of really serious and sometimes troubling stuff.
Second, I have taken a pledge to remove one of my fingers for each typo or grammatical error that makes it to print.
I had a similar arrangement with my previous employer, so I only have three mistakes left before I’m typing with my fleshy stumps.
It is an honor to serve a publication which so highly values the diversity of its readers and contributors. I will continue where my predecessor left off, but I am formally ending the practice of punishing authors who don’t meet deadlines with submersion in a tank of boiling water.
Consequently, we will also cancel our hot pot Correspondents’ Association dinner.
To get in touch with the editor, email firstname.lastname@example.org
*This is a satire. No authors are harmed in the making of The Sexy Politico. You can continue to rely on TSP for quality news and entertainment pieces despite the editor’s penchant for the less serious side of reporting.