Today is my due date. I guess I should be happy and excited knowing that I was able to keep my child safe inside of me for the last 40 weeks. But alas I feel absolutely alone.
This morning I was woken up by contractions at 3:45 am, and they were strong and steady until we went to the hospital at 5:45. When my husband and I arrived at the hospital I was told that my cervix was closed and it wasn’t labor. This isn’t the first time this has happened, it’s the third. What makes it so hard is that the people who love me and care about me are calling, texting, and emailing me wondering if the baby is here.
It’s the birth of my son, not a state secret. When the baby arrives you will find out in due time. But you can’t say that to someone you care about about and who cares about you. You know that their asking is their way of showing that they care about you and what is going on with you.
What is more isolating is going to the hospital and having the doctors and nurse staff tell you that you aren’t in labor but that you are doing everything you are supposed to do. While you are having signs of labor and your body is contracting, that it isn’t progressing. When these people ask you why the baby isn’t coming and you can’t give them a reason, it makes you feel as though you did, or didn’t do something you should have. Hearing “first time babies don’t fall out” or “prodromal labor is normal for first time moms” is not comforting when you hear the stories of your friend’s or family’s births. I feel like I am the one who doesn’t make sense.
I don’t know if anyone else has felt this since of isolation, frustration, sadness and guilt because their labor symptoms make not since. The books don’t prepare you for this.